4 reasons to ditch the parenting power trip

By Casey O'Roarty

Power is an interesting concept when it comes to the parent-child relationship. I didn't realize the role power and control would play in my life until I become a mother.

It can be quite intense GǪ and ugly.

Humans get into all sorts of mischief when they feel threatened or powerless. We say and do things that are irrational and hurtful. We flail about, grasping for some sense of control, often from a place of anger or fear.

My children are great teachers. When I am open and humble enough to hear their lessons, I remember that power is best when it is shared.-á

Here are four reasons to ditch the power trip:

1. Sharing power increases your child's sense of belonging and significance

Yes, I do mention this a lot. It's because a child's perception of how they belong and whether they matter is directly related to how they behave. When we share power with our kids, we are sending the message that their voice and opinions matter.

2. Sharing power encourages cooperation

When we are willing to ask the question, "What are your ideas for solving this problem?GÇ¥ we are allowing our kids to have a sense of ownership over the solution. They become invested in the outcome when they feel as though they have been a part of the process.

3. Sharing power builds relationships

When we sit down with our child, inquire about their feelings around a challenge and hold the space with mutual respect, we are building the relationship.-á Our kids will feel seen and heard and are much more likely to want to continue to connect with us, rather than push us away.

4. Sharing power decreases the parent guilt and shame that shows up after we've flipped out in our quest to make our children do what we want

It is a huge relief to not have to be the boss all the time! Parents often hold all the responsibility on their shoulders, and it is exhausting. Our kids need to hold some of that. They need appropriate control and power over their lives, so that they can practice the life skills that come along with it.

Ditching the power trip opens the space to more peace and cooperation in the home. And isn't that what we want?

But how do we invite our children into sharing power with us?

Well, the first thing we need to do is take an honest look at our own behavior. Explore where there is rigidity, micro-managing and criticism. When we recognize what we are bringing to the table, change is possible.

The next thing to do is get really transparent; let your kids know that you realized that you are a part of the problem. Own your own mistakes. Let them know how much you love them and that you'd like things to be different. Tell them that you will practice showing up differently. And do it.

Here are some effective responses when you find yourself engaged in power struggles with your kids:

Don't fight; don't give in

"I am happy to talk about it, once you've calmed down.GÇ¥

Redirect your child by asking for help

"This does seem unfair. How can we solve this problem?GÇ¥

"I need your help. What ideas do you have for sharing the Legos?GÇ¥

Withdraw from the conflict

This requires you to do your own self-regulation. Things have become heated, and both you and your child are full of emotion. Recognize where you are at, and take care of yourself.

But remember, the idea is to share power.-á The most effective thing you can do when you find yourself in constant conflict with one of your children is to get proactive.

Here are some proactive tools for sharing power with your children:

Provide opportunities to contribute in meaningful ways

A great way to invite kids into this is to ask them how they want to contribute. What are some ideas they have about how they can help? Make agreements about family work that allow kids the freedom to choose how they help.

Joint problem-solving is about hearing everyone's ideas for solutions. Sibling conflict can be minimized when all kids feel as though their voices matter. Take time to hold the space for the kids to work out their problem respectfully.

Give choices

The important thing to remember about giving choices is that you need to be OK with whatever they choose.-á

Also, "put on your shoes or we can stay homeGÇ¥ is not a choice that is helpful to kids. We can tweak it by saying, "Do you want to wear your boots or your sneakers today?GÇ¥-á

My son has spelling homework each week and on Sundays, I ask him, "Which days are you going to work on spelling this week?GÇ¥ so that he has the power over when, not if, he gets it done.

The great thing about giving choices is that when you find yourself in a situation where there isn't room for a choice, you get to remind the kids, "I give you lots of choices, and right now, I need to make this decision,GÇ¥ and they will be much more likely to cooperate with you.

Family Meetings

Family meetings are a fantastic way of maintaining relationships and sharing control in the family, especially for a micro-manager like me. It is an opportunity, once a week, for everyone to work together to share and solve problems. It is a friendly space for practicing life skills and sharing power with your kids.

Remember, the relationship they have with you is the model they will gravitate toward as they continue to grow.-á Sharing power teaches them to be responsible, use their voice and value themselves GÇô skills they will need as they continue to navigate the world.

Casey O'Roarty is a wife, mom, Positive Discipline Trainer and Life Coach living with her husband and two kids in Monroe, WA.-á