Using our intention to influence our kids

By Casey O'Roarty | Guest Columnist-á

Here is what I know about raising kids: There are plenty of opportunities for problem solving. Depending on the way we show up in the time of conflict, we (parents) either encourage and support their developing problem-solving skills, or we sabotage them.

Dealing with the outcome of our actions is a part of life. Every action we take has an outcome. Said differently, our actions have influence over the outcomes that show up in our life.

This is something I want my kids to understand deeply before they make their way out into the world: "You design your life.GÇ¥

This is something that we say a lot at our house. It's a simple statement for reminding each other that we influence the experience we are having. This is said with compassion. It is meant to be helpful to the person receiving the reminder.

Just as we want our kids to understand this, we parents also need to remember that we are influencing the experience as well. And kids don't learn from what we say, they learn from what we do.

Recently, I have been really digging into this. I ask myself, "What is my intended way of showing up for my family?GÇ¥ When I explore this question, I know that I want to be open, connected, loving and nonjudgmental. It's the desired response I want to bring to the experiences I am having with my children. It is powerful to declare this, because it is exactly what I need to come back to when I am challenged by my kids.

I design my life, right?

And keeping that in mind, what is the outcome I am headed toward? What do I want for my family? What is the vibe, the energy, I want in my home? Have you considered this before?

Identifying values

When I spend time reflecting on this, I recognize that what I want in my home is related to what I value. I want a home that feels safe for everyone to be themselves and make mistakes.-á I want a place where we all feel connected to each other and loved unconditionally. I want an environment that focuses on self growth and life skills.

Easier said than done, you might be thinking.

Remember, we design our lives! How we show up to the experiences that confront us, has direct influence over the outcome. It's no guarantee that things will be perfect, but perfection is an unattainable goal anyways, especially when we are talking about human beings.

So, what's my point here? Just as we want our kids to learn to be accountable, to take responsibility for how their actions affect others, we parents need to-á model this for them.

Which means that when we are feeling stressed and overwhelmed, we are remembering what our intended way of being is. It means that when our kids are falling apart or getting into mischief, we recognize that our behavior will influence the outcome of the situation.

Parenting tools are helpful, yes. The teaching and practicing of skills, following routines, making good choices ' these are all a part of the parenting journey. But spending time on this very foundational piece makes all the difference.

Remembering intentions

When my middle-schooler is feeling frustrated and moody and talks back to me, I have a choice; I can let the pain and emotion of the situation take over me and get in her face about it, or I can remember that my intention is to be open, connected, loving and nonjudgmental. There are two very different possible outcomes to this, right? Do you see the room for influence here?

And what about relationships? Relationships are key. I know that the relationship I have with my child has the biggest influence over the way she chooses to behave. And guess what?-á Choosing to show up, open, connected, loving and nonjudgmental is going to build our relationship and open the space for her to be willing to problem-solve and share about her life.

When I connect with being open, connected, loving and nonjudgmental and say, "I am happy to talk to you when you use a more respectful voice,GÇ¥ my daughter is much more likely to check herself and show up better as well.

Setting goals

So here is my invitation to you: Take some time and really consider who you want to be as a parent. Tap into the qualities you want to bring to the relationship you have with your kids.-á Reflect on how you want your home to feel for your family. What kind of environment do you want to raise your kids in?

Finally, recognize that every moment, every interaction you have with the people you love, is an opportunity to practice showing up with your intended way of being. It is a chance to practice being your best.

And big thanks to my friend and teacher, Krista Petty Reimer, at klp-inc.com, for helping me to deepen my understanding of this work.

If my writing speaks to you, join me live for six weeks of Parenting with Positive Discipline at the Monroe YMCA (14033 Fryelands Blvd.), beginning April 30.

Casey O'Roarty is a parent, educator and coach, living with her husband and two kids in Monroe. Check our her blog, online offers and podcast on her website, www.joyfulcourage.com.